Still Alive

I finally remembered I have a site I was going to write on. It’s been so long. Where did I go?! I was eager to finally get some things off my chest, so it’s surprising to me how I posted one or two posts so long ago and disappeared until now.

The family I grew up with wasn’t the family I fooled myself into thinking of having had. I’ve created myself quite the battle inside.

Words can hurt. They’re not just words with no meaning or value. When I say value, I mean it can bring us satisfaction of knowing a particular word that is exactly what you mean to communicate. Your point is made with the words you know and you have a good chance of being understood and of having had communicated well which usually has positive feedback.

I’m afraid to communicate. I’m afraid to be heard. I’m afraid to listen.

There’s a part of my physical chest in the lower middle down close to the bottom of my ribs that always feels like a hole; like an opened wound that is a hole, and it’s exposed to the air and the dirt and the words and the feelings. (I think it’s rejection.)

I’m so uptight and can’t breathe well. I’m always tense and defensive, quick to react and keep hating how unsafe I feel. I feel like the truth inside my head is like a cancerous tumor that has always been there but has gotten bigger and bigger over the years I’ve existed, and the more I ignore it and not face it like a friggin super hero before it continues to disease everything it touches inside my mind, the sicker I feel and want to run again or die. I’ve lived with this my whole life. I’ve lived this ordeal inside my mind and can feel the effects of the truths in this hole inside my chest. And to anyone who is reading this, if you know this hole in the chest because you have one yourself, a place that feels the majority of your emotional pain and broken heart, I believe we can heal, even if a little bit. Some parts of us can already living with my husband and family because they are loving and love heals.

I found myself married to a wonderful loving husband and have four beautiful children after just being in the worst moment of my life. I had no idea where time went and what had happened. One minute I’m witnessing something traumatic and the next, I’m in a safe home, or at least the safest a house could ever be. That includes my husband, who obviously is a man, but it’s funny/odd/but kind of nice to me because I’ve always hated men. He is different. But all the love I get here in this home is making me feel terrible for not being the best I can be for all who deserve that because I don’t have the control so many people take for granted that allows them to have a steady flow of thoughts and minutes each waking day of their own lives. My time of awareness is greatly limited, and I suspect it’s because I have this hole in my chest and this emotional disease in my head that causes me to keep being unable to cope with the everyday life.

Every day life to me always includes voices inside. It always includes feelings of worthlessness the family I grew up with caused me to feel. It always includes forgetfulness. An amnesia. It always includes my guilt of not being strong or smart enough to get through each day without disappointing someone I love because of my pain and my reaction to it. I’m a trauma victim and I can’t cope. I dissociate to survive. That growing emotional mass of cancerous ¬†history that is hurting everything it touches is causing me so much fear. I have lived in denial all my life and every now and then was surprised to hear that I had shared with people things I didn’t remember sharing. Even surprised at what was shared because it’s not something people like to talk about. It makes people squeamish and I suddenly find myself exposed to rejection.

There have only been maybe five things I’ve shared with anyone in my life that is private and personal, and one of those things is this post. Thank you for taking time to read it. I certainly hope nothing offensive was said or made anyone feel uncomfortable. I hope to share more because I’m feeling hopeless now and need a hand.

Until then, wishing you safety and love,

Sisterstogether

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