What a week! My head has been pounding relentlessly for over six days now… ever since that one night I just fell apart.
Might get into the specifics of that night in a future post, but for now, I’ll go on with my train of thought…(thank you for listening/reading………..feels good to get this off my chest).
I was trying hard not to cry. If I gave in and cried, I would surely have lost all control and all the work and energy I put into building those walls of protection would have been another waste.
That night, I needed “me” time. Quiet time. Space to think. To remember. To figure things out. I was broken and confused. I NEEDED someone (ANYONE!) to reach out and just give me a hug and say, “I’m so sorry you had a bad day. I’m sorry you feel ignored and unimportant. Your feelings DO matter and I wish you had been given the opportunity to talk. Instead, you were shut down….Because no one understands. Not unless they had a flashback. Not unless they’ve been hurt like you have…”
I tried to rest that night and tried not to think about anything and cry. My husband told me to just get my mind on other things and give myself a break. I laugh. Did he really just say that? Yes, and it’s not the first time. Does he think I choose to think about the pain? The pain! The hurt! I FEEL it. Ha! How the hell do I NOT think about it when I FEEL it and am being REMINDED of it constantly? Come on!
I’m not mad at him for suggesting such a thing. I’m angry at myself for not being able to just take a day and rest and not think about anything! To laugh, to sing, to relax and enjoy my time with my family and to bless them without any interruptions of bad memories, triggers, or headaches. 😦
I wish I were superwoman. Earlier, I had thought I get enough pressure from myself and everyone else inside that I don’t need anyone extra “encouraging” me to just forget about me and my problems and focus on something or someone else for a change. Now I feel guilty for thinking such a thing. Why am I so horrible?
I wish I could be different. In fact, I try so hard everyday to act normal and forget everything about me, but then I get smacked in the face with a nightmarish memory playback I’ve never fucking asked for. 😦
I had a headache. I was out of energy. Out of hope. Life continued to demand from me, even when there was nothing left to give. I was out.
Wish I’d been held that night. I felt so exhausted and vulnerable. My head was pounding. Children were crying. Teens were showing bad attitudes. What a nightmare. I keep re-experiencing being molested and raped by a friend of my fathers. My safe husband is laying next to me desiring love and attention. I’m torn but the decision had already been made without me and without giving me time to prepare for what was needed/expected/desired, only because he reached out to me in the first place. Why do I feel like I have no choice? He always gives me a choice. Deep, deep down there’s this nagging, disgusting gut feeling that this is what is expected of me by men and it’s all i’m worth. Let me tell you, my husband loves me so much and has never once said anything like that to me. All he ever does is compliment me and build me up. He motivates me, encourages me, and loves me with everything he’s got. What goes on in my mind and deep within my soul is the result of years of pain, abuse, and betrayal. Lies.This migraine is awful. I’ve been working on this post for two days and the light on the laptop is killing my eyes. I’m so sick of being stuck in bed with my thoughts and others’. Some of my altars bother me with things they want to talk about but I’ve got a friggin headache and am in no mood to learn more $hit about our family. :(I’m so tired of pain. Emotional and physical. It fucking hurts. I’m so exhausted. When do I get a break? When will MY voice be heard? Where could I possibly go from here? Sigh. I’m so sad. :(Why is everyone afraid I’m going to say something? Some have shared WAY more than I ever would, so why do they keep pushing me away? Here’s a journal entry by one of my altars: “I wish I had a genie so I could have three wishes come true. I want to live in a new home with a new family, a new doll of my own, and lots of games. I don’t like living here because these people are crazy. You can’t trust them. I’m always scared and never ready. He scares me. He punches things a lot and he yells. He never touched me but he touched some of my sisters. I hate him. We all do. He is so mean. He always does whatever he wants and never listens to me. He bruises me a lot because he’s strong. I’m so fragile. He laughs at my tears.” Forget about him? Oh. Okay. Sure…Headache again today. I wonder why.I’m so sorry if none of this makes any sense to you readers. 😦 I’m just laying it all out there, trying to figure out what is so wrong with me and if things could ever change.”My head is not a football for you.” (Sinead O’Conner) keeps running through my head. Chao,Lisa (sisterstogether)