If it werent for the painkillers, the hot bath with epson salt, and the prayers from friends for my relief, I wouldnt be able to post once again, and ultimately end up rejecting this whole blog idea.
This headache hit hard last week. I was overwhelmed with my own feelings and thoughts after experiencing a horrible flashback, and I was overwhelmed with the feelings, thoughts, and fears of some altars within our body. While I struggled with all of this, my attention was demanded, being a mother of four. I ended up putting all my issues aside and did what I had to do. When I could finally go to bed, I felt like bawling my eyes out because I was so exhausted trying to keep it together and appear happy and normal. I was tormented with mixed emotions I couldn’t control or ignore and it was interfering with my daily routine with the family. And worst of all, I was misunderstood. I had to keep hiding because everytime I would appear, it would be a bad time and I’d have to shut down pretty much immediately. No use at all trying to talk. There’s never ever a good time to talk about pain. 😦
My head hurts so much. Blogging right now isn’t a good idea, I know, but I’m tired of being the “thought” police in my head, controlling every thought that enters my head, protecting the young ones, quieting the older ones, only taking on just so much at a time while trying to sleep or dissociate completely. There’s one young altar, Sarah, who thinks we still live back in the house we grew up in. I have to keep telling her that we’re safe now and aren’t anywhere near those bad people in our family. Thank God we’re safe now.
I hope no one gives me any mean comments on my blog. Hopefully there’ll be more understanding or encouragement than put-downs or name-calling.
Thanks for reading…